Express yourself! (But not too much! And use "no!")
Merriam-Webster defines a boundary as “something that indicates or fixes a limit or extent.” Using this definition as our foundation for what we do in therapy, a boundary can be conceptualized as the indication of your own limits for others AND yourself. Boundaries encompass what you will and will not accept, what you will and won’t do, and what you will or won’t tolerate for your own wellness and wellbeing. When you set a boundary for others, you are communicating limits to them.
Some of you may have heard someone say that another person has “poor boundaries.” This can take on a few different meanings. An individual with poor boundaries may engage in over-sharing. They don’t know you well, but are giving you the play-by-play of their childhood, or recent intimate encounters, or past heartbreak. Literally after you just met them! Olivia the Over-sharer may mean well and even be trying to build intimacy with you by sharing information about herself, but she fails to recognize that the limits that we set involving trust usually encompass giving ourselves time to learn whether others can be trusted with our private experiences and past. The over-sharing is indicative of one who does not have strong or clear limits about what they need or will tolerate to build trust.
Conversely, another example of poor boundaries involves those who have difficulty saying “no.” Even if they are uncomfortable or not quite on board with what someone else wants them to do, Yesenia the Yes Woman will often acquiesce for fear of displeasing others. Interestingly (and ironically), the person who rarely uses “no” as a complete sentence is often displeased with their own experiences because they do not align with their unique set of values. In failing to respect one’s own preferences and limits, one experiences disappointment, disrespect, and frustration.
Setting boundaries without much prior practice can make people uncomfortable. Many clients are surprised to learn that, as mentioned above, “No” can be a complete sentence. No explanation required. No guilt or shame about communicating your own comfort level and willingness to accept or refuse something. Simply…”No.” When that ex who hasn’t called you in months suddenly sends a random text…”No.” You don’t even have to send a response in certain cases, as your silence sets the boundary for you! When your friend calls you to gossip and you are completely drained from work, you can politely ask them to reschedule for when you are more energized and present.
When you are not in agreement with how you are being treated, it is your loving duty to yourself to assess the situation and say, ”No. I do not want this in my life any longer. This interaction does not serve my values or my purpose.”
When you are not in agreement with how you are being treated, it is your loving duty to yourself to assess the situation and say, ”No. I do not want this in my life any longer. This interaction does not serve my values or my purpose.”
Much of our boundaries work at HopeWorks involves helping our clients address unhelpful thinking patterns that cause them to say “Yes” when they really want to say “No way, Jose!” Whether the concern is never having been taught how to set limits, having had one’s own limits violated early on, or having fear about the outcomes if boundaries are set, we will work together to unpack and process the pros and cons of continuing a life without limits. Click here to learn more about how we can help you achieve greater peace and happiness as you become comfortable saying “NO!”
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